|
[02 Jan 2006|01:23pm] |
Good morning. I just woke up to a phonecall from my ex boyfriend who has called me 4 times in the past 2 days. ugh, I'm over him but he's making it very hard right now. plus, he has a crazy psychopath girlfriend that he's been going out with on and off for a really long time. whatever, so I spoke with him for a while, made coffee and had breakfast. I dunno what I'm gonna do today but I definitely wanna do something. school starts again tomorrow (kill me now) and I wanna do something on my last day off. I do have a 3-5 page research paper that I REALLY need to work on, but I'll probably procrastinate til the last minute. I'm such an asshole. Anyway, I woke up this morning and was an even 145 (I got my period yesterday). I feel so gross and bloated and uncomfortable ... I hate this shit. guys have it easy =/
anyway today I ate:
breakfast(1 pm) = [250 calories]
1 1/3 cups of kix cereal = 120 calories
1/2 cup of 1% milk = 55 calories
1/2 grapefruit (small) = 55 calories?
coffee w/fat free h&h = 20 calories
apparently me being bored = me repiercing my own bellybutton. extremely random...I don't even know why I did it. I took it out for a reason lol. I might keep it for a while, I seemed to be thinner when I had it pierced. maybe it'll be thinspiration, who knows. it didn't bleed or anything, but it's just kinda like..there now. weird. it feels like I just pierced it.. yuck.
lunch(4 pm) = [90 calories]
1 small apple = 90 calories
unsweetened green tea = 0 calories
[total so far = 340 calories]
|
|
|
[01 Jan 2006|11:08pm] |
|
ugh it's already 11:08. I did absolutely nothing today, I feel disgusting. I think I might be getting sick, I have the chills and my nose is running ew. My new years also sucked because just as I was about to leave I got an anxiety attack..so I spent the beginning of 2006 on the couch with my parents. I was excited to start my resolution (lose 20 pounds, no binging WHATSOEVER, exercise more) and didn't eat any of the bicuits that I made my sister and her friend when they came home at 2 am. I know, normal people don't eat at those crazy hours anyway, but buscuits are a major weakness for me. anyway, I watched them eat and resisted completely. I went to bed at 5 am and set my alarm for 11:30 because I thought I was hanging out with this kid, but he didn't even wake up until like 4 because he was so drunk last night. and of course, he didn't feel up to hanging out (he lives far) I was so upset and pissed. I'm happy though, because I don;t want him to meet me when I'm this fat. I hate myself and what I've become. I'm so disgusted with myself and my weight, I can't wait to change. then this morning I had a somewhat large amount of natural peanut butter on a low carb english muffin, didn't eat until dinner and ate a lot of salad, some pasta, some stuffing, some peas & carrots and cranberry sauce =( I didn't binge but I really didn't need to eat after the pasta. I'm so fucking pissed at myself because I wasn't hungry, and my parents didn't even expect me to sit with them during the 2nd course because they made a turkey and I'm a vegetarian. but I fucking did anyway. ugh I'm such a disgrace. for dessert they had pecan pie (YUCK) and mango ice cream. I didn't have any of that, I had a chocolate covered graham cracker (140 cals) today was probably like a regular day for someone who doesn't count calories. I'm proud that I didn't go crazy, but I'm pissed about my stupid descisions. I'll do better tomorrow. I'm really inspired ... I'm excited to lose weight again. I'm gonna do it like I did it when I started this whole thing. No "forbidden foods" (except meat) but rarely any desserts. I never ate dessert when I started dieting, I had SUCH self control. I'm gonna eat healthy foods. 1000 - 1200 calories. I can go up to 1300 on a bad day, but never over that. ediets said that if I eat 1200-1300 calories, in a month I'll lose 10 pounds. which isn't saying much, however I haven't lost any substantial amount of weight without gaining it back in like almost a year! I'm not gonna yo-yo diet between starving and binging. that has been proven that it doesn't work. I'm gonna let myself eat the foods I love in moderation so I don't go crazy when I see them. it makes so much sense, I just need to stay strong and focused. here's to 2006- a year of success without looking back.
|
|
|
[15 Dec 2005|07:02am] |
so yesterdays restriction went well ... I had below 1000 calories and burned 400.
I had coffee (25 cal), an apple (85), cottage cheese (180), 8 sushi rolls (450? i dunno, i'm probably going too high but whatever), miso soup (30) and chocolate (200) = 970
now I'm about to leave for school because I have to go in early to do some stupid project. I'm drinking my green tea and I don't want to move. ahh, oh well.. more updates later <3
|
|
|
[13 Dec 2005|05:36pm] |
so yesterday i did a pretty okay job of restricting. i had 1000 calories, a lot of it in fruit and veggies. the rest was in egg whites, lactose free cheese, a whole grain high fiber bagel and then i had some chocolate. i also burned 450 calories on my exercise bike. then today i didn't go to school so i went completely crazy. i binged so much that i'm almost positive i gained like 5 lbs. of FAT. i got my period today and totally let go of all of my inhibitions. i ate so much sugar and chocolate and sweets that i probably gave myself fucking diabetes. i'm so disgusted with myself that i want to die. DIE DIE DIE. i hate myself i'm so fucking disguting. tomorrow i need to restrict like it's my JOB. this cannot and WILL NOT turn into another 3-day long binge. no sir. not this fucking time. i managed to stay strong after a fast and then i fuck it up for no reason. i'm such a disgrace..i wish i had the balls to purge but i can't bring myself to do it. i hate my period..i hate food..i hate my body. ugh
and whats worse is that i was dead tired, nauseous, and depressed all day. today was the funeral mass for my friend's father. it was probably the saddest experience of my life. there were so many kids there to support my friend and her brother. he was loved by so many people and he will truly be missed.
</3
|
|
|
[11 Dec 2005|11:27pm] |
so today was really sad and depressing
after a 7 hour day at work feeling fat and disgusting, I had to go to my friend's father's wake. I totally broke down .. I can't believe he's gone. and now listening to the RENT soundtrack is making me even sadder, even though I'm completely obsessed and in love with it. the movie was completely amazing.. Mimi is definitely my new thinspiration.
today I had: black coffee with splenda, 1.5 l of water, 1 hot green tea (unsweetened), 1 diet iced green tea, 1/4 c. of vanilla soymilk and a diet pepsi vanilla.
I didn't eat anything because I didn't really have time.. and I wanted to fast anyway, so 30 calories for the day isn't bad. ugh I'm so tired.. I got 5 hours of sleep last night. not fun. I'm gonna get ready for bed, call someone special <3, and then pass out.. more tomorrow
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
diet_rock_star's journal